nina turns 60

easy and obvious

Just read an article stating that Seattle hasn't had an official sunny day since November 30. That explains a few things. We're used to cloudy weather, of course. We live it constantly. But there are usually a couple of days of respite even in winter. With the holidays, and being sick, and the early dark, it's no wonder everything feels like a big slog. But the paperwhite bulbs that I brought out from their winter home, watered, and put by the window are starting to send up some green shoots. An easy and obvious metaphor, but I don't need anything more complicated than that right now. 

single/married

When you're a single woman on the internet, you get a lot of attention from dudes, whether you want it or not. A fair percentage of that attention will be from married dudes. Lonely married dudes, married dudes who haven't had sex with their wives for years, married dudes who just want to talk to pretty strangers. Over the years I interacted with more of them than I probably should have. I got crushes on some of them. I made friends with others. 

Then there are the married dudes in open relationships. I started coming across poly dudes on OKCupid. I seemed to always match highly with them, and much about a poly lifestyle appealed to me, particularly the need for lots of open, honest communication. The thing about being a single woman dating a married man is that she is always vulnerable in a different way than if there are only two people involved. I lost one boyfriend a few years ago because his wife decided she didn't want them to be open any longer. I say "I lost" but what happened is I got dropped like a hot potato. It sucked.

Then there are guys who think your being non-monogamous means that you just want to have sex with lots of different people and have no feelings invested in anything and they treat you like a living toy. And don't get me started on the ones who say they are in open relationships, but their wives have other ideas about that. You must tread very cautiously.

But then maybe one day you get lucky...

 

 

melancholy

I spend a lot of time being sad. I used to feel bad about it, feel pressure to work toward feeling happy all the time, but I've learned to embrace it. It's how I am. It doesn't preclude me being joyful or grateful or resilient or a lot of other things. I am fortunate that for the most part, my sadness does not pull me down too far. Sometimes it feels like a weight. Sometimes it blows by like clouds. It often feels like a logical response to the world. 

As I was typing this, Lizzo's "Good As Hell" came on my Pandora and I started smiling. Yes, I feel very fortunate. 

ordinary

Funny how when you get thrown out of your routine by something unexpected and unwelcome, nothing seems more appealing than getting back into your usual groove, a groove you thought you were utterly bored with. Mornings are the best, with coffee and almonds that I've roasted in a cast iron pan, and things to read on the internet. 

I dreamed of trying to make coffee, but I was always missing one thing that I needed, which was in another room. I'd go to that other room and then I'd realize something else was missing. I was getting frantic. Even my subconscious clings so tightly to it. 

still

Still sick. Still home. In a weird limbo, throat aching. Bored. Why do I always feel guilty for things I cannot control?

home sick

Home sick and frustrated because I seem to be getting sick more often than I used to. One of the main reasons I stopped eating sugar was in hopes of improving my sinuses' tendencies to be irritated, swollen and congested. It hasn't helped. Am enjoying all the other benefits of no sugar, but not that. It's a windy day and the crows are having a bit of a turf war with the seagulls over something tasty. The crows are smarter, but the gulls are bigger. I saw the waning moon this morning, and the dark gray clouds blowing over it, briefly illuminated as they passed. 

not alone

Coincidentally, a large group of bloggers who, like me, attended BlogHer in the early days have gathered on FB and are talking about blogging again. I am on trend. A bit ahead of the curve, even. Twitter did not kill us after all. 

home

Spent the weekend in the city. I am always energized by the city, both by being there and by spending time with people that I love while I'm there. It's not my city anymore. It has changed while I've been gone and I have changed, too. In certain neighborhoods, all of the quirky personality is being razed and replaced with tech offices and businesses that serve the employees of the tech companies. I like going to the new restaurants and coffee shops that have sprung up there; I am not immune to the charms of this new environment. But I miss the sense of discovery that I used to have walking around. I miss the mess and vitality, the sense that the city was alive in an organic way. 

I was happy to see some places were still recognizable to me. The docks and floating offices of the Center for Wooden Boats are still there. Lake Union itself, of course, with its marinas and sea birds and sailboats. Even the giant storage facility near the entrance to the freeway made me smile for its longevity. 

I both long to go back and know that there is probably no place for me there, know that I have become a country mouse who likes it quiet, who needs some wildness, who cannot and does not want to keep up. Yet this place does not feel like home without Alejandro here. 

chill

When you get a one of those holy shit medical bills because the system is fucked and so are you, you may want to turn to your plant friends. They are endlessly chill about everything, as long as they get water and sunlight. 

cheers

I had two uplifting encounters with former interns today. One came into the Press to say hello and geek out excitedly at some new books. The other sent me a text. He said he'd been thinking of me because he'd raised a glass and said cheers around a table and he made sure to look each person in the eye, which I had instilled in his cohort when they were here. This is how I am ensuring the youths are going to be OK. Proper cheers technique. I'm so proud!