After a long dry spell that was sapping my confidence and faith in mankind, I finally got an interesting and worthwhile response to my online ad (I met Bachelor #1 by responding to his ad). It came as no surprise to me that men did not come stampeding to my virtual door. After all, I have three strikes against me: I'm over 40, I have a young child, and I'm not skinny. However, I still expected that there would be men out there who would appreciate all of my other fabulous qualities, and who might actually prefer them over youth and anorexia. Finally, this has come to pass.
Will he think I am as compelling and delightful in person as I am in writing? Will the fact that his age is a few years beyond my usual range make the dynamics too creepy? Will I actually like him, or will I just enjoy being flattered by his attention? Will nina EVER get laid again? (Oh yes, yes she will, even if she doesn't blab about it here.)
The real, deeper question, though, is how will it feel if I do turn out to really like Bachelor #2? In my put-all-my-eggs-immediately-into-one-basket past, I wouldn't let myself consider that there might possibly be more than one interesting, intelligent, charming, disarming man out there who would not only be all those things, but would like me, too. The fact that my old way of thinking and being around men may have turned out to be completely wrong is blowing my mind (bits and pieces of my brain are flying around the room as we speak).
OK, so that's not entirely true. I knew that my former "men" paradigm was wrong because it wasn't working for me. I wasn't having the kind of satisfying, intimate relationship that I longed for (remember, I've left not one, but two marriages). I very consciously set out to figure out why that was, and change it. It's a far more complex and difficult journey than I ever imagined.
When I was pregnant with the kidlet and still married to Vicente, we decided we didn't want to know the sex of the wee thing until it was born. I was pretty sure that I'd have a girl. I have a sister, my mom has a sister, he has three sisters--both families are full of women. It seemed logical--and comfortable--that I would continue that trend. Vicente, being the highly intuitive man that he is, told me that he thought the universe would send me a boy so that I could work out my issues with men. At the time I was rather horrified. I shot back, "And he'll be gay, so you can work out your homophobia," which had the satisfying result of freaking him out, so I didn't have to focus on the realization that I knew that he was right, and that yes, the hard work was about to begin.
Oh, honey - issues with men! I always used to pick the broken ones - ones that needed to be saved. My first husband was another fine example - I ended up with a congenial child completely dependent on me for every facet of his existence. Once again - all the responsibility on my shoulders. It sucked! I didn't start to change that until after my epiphany. I was 25, homeless, and had just missed losing my life. It was time to re-think everything. So I made a concerted effort to change - but it took years. I was in my thirties before I even began to feel grown up. And I still have issues with men!
Go ahead and try the ‘something different’. Move out of your usual sphere – it can’t hurt; not really. And I have to say - I don’t believe in the ‘one person in the whole world’ scenario. Everyone needs something different from a relationship. Some people crave drama – they need to be in high dungeon at all times. I think it’s a sex thing – sex after a particularly emotional confrontation can be mind-blowing. For other people, quiet compatibility’s the thing – no roller-coaster ride, just shared warmth. Me – I need intellectual stimulation – someone as smart, or smarter than me. No huge scenes, though. I don’t fight by screaming – I’m a rather logical creature.
Anyway – there is no wrong or right in any of these – just what feels best for you. So – if what you had before didn’t work, go for looking outside of your usual comfort zone. Who knows – this guy might hit all the right notes. And if it works with him, why look elsewhere? On the other hand, if you still sense something missing – keep trying that ‘different’ esthetic. You will run into someone who makes you happy. Have faith in yourself, my dear. You are someone worth loving – remember that.
Posted by: The Fat Lady Sings | 2006.01.18 at 11:41
Having a son to work out issues with men. That's exactly what I've thought about me and my son. It's not until he came along that I've finally realised that men are so much different to women.
Good luck with the dating thing ey?
Posted by: jen | 2006.01.18 at 14:24
I agree with above comment...try something different. I've hooked up with someone who is so different than me and so unlike anyone I've been with before and it has opened me up. We click in a mysterious way (to me) but it keeps "working" in it's way...not easy, and not very "socially acceptable" either, but so worth it.
Posted by: M | 2006.01.18 at 18:23