nina turns 40

no, I'm not drooling on your husband, why do you ask?

This is what my dinner conversation has been reduced to: I get an evening out without the kidlet and before long, over bowls of noodles at this delightful eatery, I am trying to one-up one of my companions as to which of us has had the least nookie lately. "Ha!," I assured him, "I'm willing to bet you I've gone much longer than you have." The only way he could come close to defeating me in that sad little game was if we took a cumulative score over the past five years.  Then, to add insult to injury, I had to go pick up the kidlet from a play date at a friend's house, a friend who has one of the sexiest daddies I've ever seen.  I've been quietly lusting after this daddy since the kidlet was three and in pre-school.  Since I haven't seen much of this family over the summer, we all hugged hello. That sent a nice little sizzle right down my spine, and I'm quite proud of myself for resisting the temptation to try and cop a feel. 

this has to be the best internet quiz ever

And not just 'cause it said I was great.  Please note it's the first quiz I've blogged in almost three years of nina turns 40.  Via Socal Mom.

You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

I was touched by his noodly appendage

Have you seen this?  It is hysterical, and perfect, and made me smile on a day that I really needed it.

Wanna add more smiles to my day?  Tell me you know the song I was referencing in my "so set 'em up joe" post.

dientes

The kidlet went to the dentist for the first time yesterday.  I am truly surprised and grateful at how much more child-friendly the world of healthcare is now than it was when I was growing up.  I have horrible memories of my first gyne exam, for one.  I'll spare you the details, but if you're female and over 40, I'm sure you have a story of your own to relate.  Back in those days it seems like the MO was to strap 'em down, get 'em to shut up, and do what you needed to do with no explanation or concern for the wee body you were manipulating.  Granted, my childhood dentist was also a neighbor, and we were good friends with his family, so going to appointments there was not particularly traumatic, but he was not known for his gentleness either.  The kidlet, on the other hand, thinks going to the dentist is FUN.  His teeth are perfect, his six-year molars are poised to break through, and they think it is unlikely he will need orthodontic treatment later (thank you baby Jesus).  His mommy, however, needs thousands and thousands and yes, thousands of dollars worth of work in her poor mouth. Sigh.  Luckily, my friendly dentist has hooked me up with a friendly compnay that is HAPPY to help me finance this investment in my chewing future.  Forget getting a better apartment.  Forget getting a car with four doors.  Mama's gonna keep her teeth.

so set 'em up joe

Just as I concluded a couple of days ago that I believe it is, indeed, possible to fall in love with someone you've never met, I now have first-hand evidence that you can also be quite hurt by someone you've only ever corresponded with online.  Ah, how quickly things change in the realm of romance, whether face-to-face or not. I realize that I tend to fall in love perhaps a bit too easily.  I used to beat myself up about this, but now I rather like this characteristic.  I like being open and quick to love.  And while it may seem that I am merely opening myself up to pain, there is one thing I've learned about pain.  It is simply that and nothing more--pain.  It hurts, but it's not the end of the world.  You sit with it, you breathe through it, and eventually it goes away.  Just call me Zen master nina.  Or Janeen.  Whatever.

after all that blabbing, here's a foto

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've never seen?  I've always been fond of the story of Cyrano de Bergerac, the less-than-beautiful hero who wins love by virture of his skill with words.  Roxanne (the heroine of the story) thinks she is falling for the young, dashing lad who is wooing her, but later realizes it was Cyrano who gave him the beautiful words that enchanted her so, and she cares not for his physical uniqueness when he reveals himself, but loves him as she has loved his poetry.

I also enjoy reading letters sent between lovers.  I own a collection of the correspondence between Anais Nin and Henry Miller that impresses me not only for its sheer volume--some 400 pages worth--but for the beauty of expression within. Here is Henry, writing to Anais about her work on a draft of House of Incest: "You have worked with an almost satanic glee, with a corrosive force, you have broken down the veils of flesh and all the cushions that protect the nerves--you have played on the raw nerves, the very tenderest filaments of our sense organs.  The effect is delirium, ecstasy which becomes unsupportable."  Quite a step up from most email correspondence, no?  Of course, Anais and Henry did have a very physical, sexual relationship as well, even though they were both married to other people. I think that is why I am so fascinated by their story, that heady mix of lyrical literary expression and forthright forbidden carnality makes for a complicated, poignant love story.

As much of my social interaction, especially with men, happens online these days, it's got me thinking about the importance of the physical in relationships.  There is mental chemistry, an intellectual affinity that people can share which works very well online, of course.  And then there is that spark you have with someone when you look into their eyes.  Is one more real, or more important than the other?  How long is it good to wait before finding out if the emotional and intellectual compatibility carries over into the physical? 

When I lived in Mexico, another ex-pat asked once a group of us, what is the longest you've ever gone between desire and fulfillment?  In other words, once you and another person have both acknowledged that you wanted each other, have you ever drawn out the anticipation of the satisfaction of coming together, and if so, how long could you stand it?  At the time, I laughed at this question.  I am an instant gratification kind of girl, and if I was hot for someone, and knew he wanted me, too, there was no question that I'd have his clothes off in record time. 

Now I don't have that luxury.  I want someone, and circumstances are forcing me to wait, perhaps for a very long time.  I must be patient, and understanding, and unselfish, qualities that I always thought I had in abundance. I'm realizing now that I was kidding myself about that.  I'm not liking this new self-knowledge, not one bit.  I will nurture those things within myself, though, I will practice them, I will breathe, I will wait.  Because I'm starting to believe that you can, yes, fall in love with someone you've never seen, and that is a very big thing indeed.

coming out

I've been thinking about facades and identity, about who I am versus who I was; about who is this blogger chick named nina versus this woman named Janeen.  In life I hide behind my writing, and in this blog I hide behind my pseudonym.  I'm not so sure this is healthy for me any longer.  I have no idea exactly how things are going to change to reflect that.  But they are, indeed, changing.

flip flop

OK, so I take back some of the mean things I said about August yesterday.  August evenings are long and soft and I spent a lovely one yesterday at a local park, drinking wine and eating pasta with some delightful parents of children who go to hippie daycare with the kidlet.

august in seattle

sucks.  Sure, it's sunny all the time, and not too hot or humid, but it's so bright and glare-y, and the air quality goes way down.  From my desk at work I can see a dirty beige smear of smog all across the horizon making the mountains look sepia-toned instead of white.  Blech.  And all the cars glittering up at me all day make me kinda woozy.  And sandpiles of pollen are coating everything and invading my sinuses.  It sucks, I tell you.