I'm posting this image again because I love it so much--coffee, computers, and Mexico, how could I not?--and because lots of folks are googling for "calavera" images these days as Halloween and Dia de los Muertos approaches. It's not my image, it came to me on a postcard (current whereabouts unknown), and I tried to find out copyright info on it before I put it up on the web last time back in March or April, but I couldn't.
Lots of spirits, or perhaps the bones of things past have been flitting through my mind lately. Spent some time at my folks' house looking at old fotos, and my first husband, who I was friends with for many years before our romance started, sent me a long email for my birthday. I replied, telling him some things about why I couldn't stay in our marriage that I should have told him long ago, but couldn't because some of them I didn't even realize until recently. I wasn't sure if he'd want to hear explanations from me now, fifteen years after the fact, but he seemed appreciative. He is a good man. A good partner. I knew that even as I was walking out the door. But what I couldn't quite articulate to anyone then, and what I've come to understand now, is that I wasn't mature enough to make a serious commitment to anyone at that point in my life. I wasn't a full-on grown-up woman in my own right yet, and so how could I possibly form a lifelong bond with someone else? I had a lot of growing up to do, and while a lot of people can do that growing up within the context of their marriage, I wasn't one of them.
He is doing really well; he's married, has kids, and a successful academic career. His life is good (at least through the oversimplified lens of the facts). Do I wish I'd made a different choice, do I regret not sharing that life with him? No, I don't. It's one decision I have no regrets about, and once it was finally made, I never looked back. I hate that it hurt him so much, but in the end, we have both walked the right path for each of us, and I'm glad that we are still friends. Sometimes, I think that is worth more than all the rest.
It is absolutely worth it; one can be miserable with a really good man. (and you sound very at peace with your decision)
Posted by: Margaret | 2004.10.25 at 19:32