nina turns 40

lazy

The sun is shining in through the blinds making warm trapezoids of light on the wooden floor. I'm munching on freshly roasted pumpkin seeds and drinking--what else--coffee; there is ample reading material, both online and in print, and I have no desire to do much of anything. Ain't that Sunday morning lazy nice?

Took a long walk yesterday and shot some fotos. It had been too long since I'd done that. I love getting my mind into that "seeing" mode where suddenly I am really looking at things, noticing how beautiful everything is, wanting to capture that beauty, to transform it into a foto.

things that go bump in the night

'Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring...except for whatever the hell is sneaking through the ridiculously large hole in the back of the cabinet underneath my sink and rattling around in there, thumping and bumping.

The size of the hole, and the loudness of the noise indicates that this is no cute little family of mice, no this is a larger critter indeed, perhaps a squirrel or even a small racoon, or--shudder at the thought--a very large rat. Fabulous! And you know, it's not so much the critter factor that has me disturbed. I'm a live and let live kinda gal--just ask the spiders. I don't randomly squish things just cuz they're icky, or in my way, I try to have a more enlightened viewpoint about these circumstances, but this is altogether a different thing we're talking about, this is my sleep you're messing with; my already likely to be interrupted by restless kidlet or too small bladder sleep. So, when I am zonked out quite peacefully and dreaming of Gael Garcia Bernal or whomever, and the kidlet is snoozing away peacefully IN HIS OWN BED mind you, and you start thumping and rattling the cupboard doors like the monster in a really bad Halloween joke, I'm gonna get pissed off.

Though my turning on of the light, and opening the cupboard door (which I did oh-so-slowly and cautiously in case you decided to come leaping out rolling your terrible eyes, and gnashing your terrible teeth, and roaring your terrible roar, and showing your terrible claws) didn't seem all that threatening when I did it last night at 4:30am just you wait, because I've got bigger plans for you, my pretty.

decadence

Spent more time with the author of this blog yesterday. She brought me (dark, of course) chocolate and some of her famous curried apple chutney. Me happy. Even more so because we went to here for coffee, and I hadn't been in so long, and it is--still--the best coffee house in the city. I love that place so much that I actually got kind of giddy and excited just standing in line waiting to order. Why is it the best? It's not the pastires, it's not the cool chalk board art, it's not the gorgeous slabs of granite and marble from around the world that they have on the counters. It's the coffee, stupid. Best damn coffee. Every time. No matter which barista makes it, no matter which drink you order, even if you are crazy and get decaf, your coffee will be excellent. Not just good, but excellent. Nobody else can do that.

In other decadent birthday present news, I scored a gift certificate to this famous Seattle store (link NSFW).

Finally, I have a new blog on my list, Crossroads Dispatches. I'm having a hard time coming up with the right superlatives to describe this one. She calls it a "generalist synthesist weblog", and that synthesis is a large part of what appeals to me. Although she (Evelyn Rodriguez) writes through the perspective of a marketing professional, her viewpoints and posts are anything but narrow--this woman thinks big. Some recent post titles as examples: "Blogs as Truth-telling Networks", "Big Sky Mind: The Origin of Ideas, Part 1", "A Loud Voice Cannot Compete With a Clear Voice". If you care at all about the big questions, and the big ideas of life, you'll be as captivated as I am.

los muertos

I'm posting this image again because I love it so much--coffee, computers, and Mexico, how could I not?--and because lots of folks are googling for "calavera" images these days as Halloween and Dia de los Muertos approaches. It's not my image, it came to me on a postcard (current whereabouts unknown), and I tried to find out copyright info on it before I put it up on the web last time back in March or April, but I couldn't.

Lots of spirits, or perhaps the bones of things past have been flitting through my mind lately. Spent some time at my folks' house looking at old fotos, and my first husband, who I was friends with for many years before our romance started, sent me a long email for my birthday. I replied, telling him some things about why I couldn't stay in our marriage that I should have told him long ago, but couldn't because some of them I didn't even realize until recently. I wasn't sure if he'd want to hear explanations from me now, fifteen years after the fact, but he seemed appreciative. He is a good man. A good partner. I knew that even as I was walking out the door. But what I couldn't quite articulate to anyone then, and what I've come to understand now, is that I wasn't mature enough to make a serious commitment to anyone at that point in my life. I wasn't a full-on grown-up woman in my own right yet, and so how could I possibly form a lifelong bond with someone else? I had a lot of growing up to do, and while a lot of people can do that growing up within the context of their marriage, I wasn't one of them.

He is doing really well; he's married, has kids, and a successful academic career. His life is good (at least through the oversimplified lens of the facts). Do I wish I'd made a different choice, do I regret not sharing that life with him? No, I don't. It's one decision I have no regrets about, and once it was finally made, I never looked back. I hate that it hurt him so much, but in the end, we have both walked the right path for each of us, and I'm glad that we are still friends. Sometimes, I think that is worth more than all the rest.

sweet sixteen

My mother is going to kill me for telling this story, but when I was sixteen, she let me invite a bunch of my girlfriends out to dinner at one of those tacky restaurants where every table has a different theme, kinda like the rooms of Graceland: the jungle table, the teepee table, that sort of stuff. We ate cake, we giggled, I opened presents, but I don't really remember any of that. This is what I remember: all the young male waitstaff that was on duty that evening, upon learning that it was my sweet sixteen, lined up to give me a kiss. Did I demure? Was I shy about my lack of experience or about kissing a bunch of strangers, many of them quite a bit older than me? Ummm, no. I stood there happily and kissed each one, whether they were foxy (as we said in those days), or not. Most of them were rather chaste little kisses, but some of those bad boys gave me some tongue, and I kissed them right back. It was a happy little surprise that felt naughty, yet innocent all at the same time.

Looking back I have to wonder: was that night the start of all my troubles, a sort of catalyst that set me on a different sort of path, or was it simply the first time I realized that I might not be such a conventional suburban girl afterall?

birthday week

Sweet 'n' sexy Mikey got me an iTunes gift certificate for my birthday. Thanks, dahlink! My old housemates are taking me to dinner tomorrow, and my best girls are cooking the same for me on The Big Day. Birthdays are good.

I love my iPod, but the head phones are freaking out my ears. Perhaps I have small ears or something, but I can't find a comfy way to get them to sit in my ears, and then sometimes when I'm not wearing them it feels like they are there, sort of like when you take off a ring you are used to wearing all the time. Do they make smaller ones, or do I just have to get used to them? Any ideas?

Dear Neighbors,

Earlier I wrote to you about your wind chimes. They are not such an issue anymore. I got used to them, I hardly ever hear them anymore. I'm writing to you now about your porch lights. Yes, those super bright beacons that you shine into the night to--to what? Keep the boogieman at bay? Make your cats feel safer when they prowl around? Announce to everyone that you're not letting the darkness invade your space? I'm not sure what your intention is, but the result is that since we all live very close together in our happy little neighborhood, your lighthouse strength porch lights (and back door lights, and side walkway lights) shine right into my humble little abode and make it just that much more difficult for me to have a pleasant night's sleep. Yes I have the blinds pulled. No, it doesn't matter. I'm happy that your lights make you feel safer at night, however when your sleep deprived neighbor comes at you with a hammer someday, you might realize that they've had just the opposite effect.

love,
nina

the secret

So, how creepy is it that when I write to my friends to tell them I'm blue, gmail offers up links to happiness and inner strength type websites on the sidebar? Just for fun, I clicked on one, because I do believe that the secret to happiness lies just one click away. Ahhh, my problem is the three D's: Doubt, Dysfunction and...and, Damn--no wait, that is a D, but that's not it. No wonder I'm having problems. Also, if I buy this guy's super secret success formula I can eliminate my boring life by understanding what it means to "Arrive". I can stack the Law of Equality in my favor. Hey, wait! If it's the law of equality, how can it be stacked in someone's favor? Oh, but it will be like waking up with a new, more successful, stronger person inside of me! Oooh, sounds kinda kinky. Wait, I don't think that's what they mean. I'm so confused. I'd better download this eBook right NOW. Thank the baby Jesus for the Internets, otherwise I don't know what I'd do.

got doggies?

I'm blogging from work again, but since it's Sunday, I don't feel quite so bad about it. I've been meaning to give a big shout out to my girl Val who just turned in the MS on her first book. It's due to be published in April '05, and I for one couldn't be prouder of her. She made a lot of personal sacrifices to write this book, and I admire the hell out of her determination. Plus, she's just a damn fine writer and deserves great success, even if she's one of those odd folks who just doesn't get blogging. If you've got doggies and live in the Pacific Northwest, I wouldn't venture outside without this one, folks. Don't worry, I'll remind you again this Spring.