sex and the single mom

OK, boys and girls, here's your warning. I'm gonna write about sex. I've done it before, and I'm gonna do it now, at length and with some (but not too much) detail. I've always wanted to write about and talk about sex more openly in my life, and if blogging ain't the perfect way to do that, I don't know what is. I've struggled somewhat with finding the best way for me to do that. For awhile I kept a sex blog, but I came to the conclusion that I don't want my sexual self kept separate from the rest of me, nor from the rest of my blog. So if, for whatever reason, you're not comfortable with reading what I have to say about sex and the single mom, here's your chance to skip this post. For the rest of y'all, cue up the Salt n Pepa, and let's talk about...

...sex baby.

I've been blissfully not watching TV this summer, but have recently turned it on to check out some of the Olympic action, and I was struck once again by the sheer number and variety of ads for Viagra and the like.

Men's sexuality is so important to us that we must make sure everyone can get it up and keep it up well into his old geezerhood. Well, alrighty then, I'm all for a long satisfying sex life, but What do I get told about my sexuality as I get older, based on the same criteria of TV commercials? That I have to inject toxic substances (the letters "tox" form part of the name, for crissake) into my face so that, heaven forbid, I don't have a crease between my eyebrows. And the purpose of looking so smooth faced and wide eyed? So as to please all these randy bone-hard men that are cruising around with the blue pill coursing through their veins. Oh, and to show off at class reunions and the like. Give me a friggin' break.

Ronni over at Time Goes By wrote recently about how her sexuality has changed as she gets older. I want to write, from a slightly younger perspective, about how mine has. The great irony of getting older as a woman (for me) is that as I age, I'm better at sex, more confident, more sure of what I want and like, more open to trying new things--I've finally embraced my sexuality fully, yet now, by virtue of being over 40, society sees me as less sexual, not more. WTF??

No, I don't have the body or face I had at 28, but I have the mind and experience that more than make up for it; I've done my homework, I've learned a few neat tricks, I'm a whole lot better in bed now than I ever was then, and luckily there are some smart men out there who have figured this little secret out. But for the most part it seems that for women to be considered sexual, they have to look a certain way, and a big part of what "that way" entails is looking young. Whatever. As someone who was very shy and unhappy with my looks as a teenager and young woman, I love what being this age has done for my sexuality--it's broadened, not diminished.

I'm participating in a survey that Eden at Just One Bite is conducting about women's online sexual behavior, and my participation in that also got me thinking to how my sexuality has changed. Yes, the internet has enriched my sex life on a couple of levels. Using it as a tool to meet people aside, it's a great way to explore things in a safe environment that I might not feel comfortable enough to investigate in the real world. I also see it as a window into the sexual behavior and feelings of others, a window I get to peer into whenever I want. Plus, a lot of it just turns me on. So not only do I feel more open and free with my sexuality, but the tools at my disposal to enjoy it have expanded as well. Right on! I see the possibilities for me as wide open, and I find that thrilling and empowering. If you're so misguided as to think that I'm not an interesting sexual companion because I'm not blonde and 23, well my friend, you're the one who's missing out, not me.

So, if you're younger than I am and reading this, take heart. If you're my peer, or older, I'd love to hear what thoughts and feelings you have on the subject. As for me, I'm not likely to stop exploring nor stop writing about the subject.

Won't you join me?

Comments

[Ronni]

The difference in what we’re writing about, Nina, is minimal. You are talking specifically about sex in today’s post, but it directly relates to one of my main topics – ageism, which is alive and well in the U.S.A., reinforced 24/7 in television commercials, movies, TV shows, women’s magazines, men’s magazines, fashion and anywhere else you can think of. The worship of youth is so deeply embedded in the culture it’s a wonder any woman over the age of 25 ever gets laid again.

You can’t blame the guys because the culture surrounds them too and every day they are told that big-boobed, otherwise skinny blondes barely past puberty are the prize you get for being male. Am I the only person in America who finds half-naked Britney Spears simulating sex on stage for 13-year old fans to be – not disgusting particularly, but vulgar in the old sense of the word? Yet she is the role model for pre-pubescent girls and the object of attainment for pre-pubescent boys. We set these expectations for our youth almost before they’re old enough to cross the street alone and they are not easily outgrown.

Where did I read recently that the hottest-selling underwear for pre-teen girls is the thong.

Like you, I am angry about Botox and other possibly dangerous substances along with cosmetic surgery promoted to the point of being as much a requirement for the well-turned out woman over 30 as a neat suit and blouse for work. Women have died from liposuction.

Back to sex specifically, isn’t it interesting that the first sex enhancement drug is for men, not women, a similar development to birth control wherein women get to take the dangerous drug to avoid unwanted pregnancies and in 40 years, no one has developed one for men.

Long live men. If women in their age group drop dead from toxins, there is always a new crop of teenager girls for them.

Woo-hoo. Listen to me sound off. You got me going, Nina.

You and I - brilliant and right as we know we are - aren’t going to change the culture by ourselves, but there is some hope. Age demographics are changing. The oldest baby boomers turn 58 this year and 78 million of them are not going to suddenly give up the advantage of their numbers and go silently into senility. Change is coming and attitudes toward people older than 25 will get better, including sex. It won’t be fast enough, but I can imagine a day within a decade when younger folks will begin to complain of reverse ageism.

Meanwhile, Nina, if it is any consolation, I went through periods of time as you are now. There were time when I wondered if any man would ever glance at me again. And of course, they did. As a single woman for all but ten years of my adult life, I’ve had a rich and varied and wonderful sex life mostly with men my own age and although it has slowed down – *I* have slowed down sexually – it continues. There are some terrific men out there who are not obsessed with teenage girls and you will find them too.

[nina]

Ronni,

To clarify, I do know men who appreciate older women in general and me in particular--unfortunately a good portion of the latter are married, but that's another story. I'm not so much frustrated with my own life as I am with the culture in general.

I agree that the boomers (which I'm technically at the tail end of, though culturally I feel more Gen X) are gonna change our attitudes about aging by the sheer force of their numbers, and that's a good thing. Meanwhile, the real voices of people like you and me, while they may not enlighten everyone, are going to find those who need to hear them. And I don't mean that in a grandiose way.

As for Ms. Spears and the way that the young folks dress these days--don't get me started. I don't *want* to see certain parts of someone's body unless I'm getting into bed with them or at the beach. The whole low rider thing is the visual version of TMI. And the overt sexualization of little girls just engrages me like few other things.

My sexuality is finally a joyful thing for me, a part of my life and myself that enriches me. For many years is was fraught with issues that made it painful as often as pleasurable. I want to celebrate it now, as I continue exploring it.

[lisa]

I found a link to your blog yesterday and have enjoyed reading your thoughts on sex and older women. I turned 40 this year, and as a single mom of 4 kids (ages 7-20), when I split up with my husband of 16 years six years ago, I faced the fear of never finding a sexual (or any type of) partner again. In fact, I am certain that one of the reasons I stuck it out in a crappy marriage was that exact fear. It just seems so easy for older men, who always are called handsome or distinguished when they get grey hair, but when women get saggy or grey, they’ve “been around the block”. (I have heard a male friend of mine use this exact term about women in their 40’s and 50’s – meanwhile he has lost most of his hair, wears thick glasses, and is generally not too great looking and he is 52!!) It drives me nuts…and I worry about what messages my three daughters are growing up with – one of my daughters has bought into the makeup, hair, weight loss crap – and it is stressing her out so much she spends several hours a day working on her image before she goes to work (she’s 18).

My aunt who is 68 was visiting us last month from Australia and she brought her new boyfriend with her – he was drop dead gorgeous – about 50 years old – (tan, fit, blonde with some grey - looked like a movie star)… everyone in my family (especially my mom who is her age) couldn’t believe that she had found such a beautiful (and really nice) guy… it seemed quite strange, but then I thought – Hey why shouldn’t older women get to have a great sex life, gorgeous guy, etc??? (kind of demi moore like)

On the bright side, I have had two great relationships since I became “single” and the sex was/is fantastic. Way better than when I was married actually – probably because like you, I am more confident and experienced – and possibly less exhausted now that I don’t have tiny tots around. In fact, when I first started dating my most recent guy, I told him up front – “I like to have sex… is that a problem for you?” You should have seen the look on his face.

[Jaycee]

I struggle with the image thing that the media constantly shoves down our throat and how I look and how I would like to look. I even saw something on tv recently where they showed us that they touched up a model by making her thinner around the hips for example. How the hell are we supposed to live up to that and why the hell should we?

It doesn't help that I haven't had sex for far too long now - and I need that ego boost. I can't just hop into bed with anyone that wants a bit as I need some sort of mind connection and I haven't met anyone recently that I've had that with. As a single mum myself just getting out without the kid is an achievement.

I'm glad I've come across yours and Ronni's blogs as they are helping me a bit with how I perceive myself and they give me some hope that there is a sex life out there if I can find someone who doesn't want that skinny, blonde 20 year old.

[Cowtown Pattie]

No one here has addressed the one thing that I find missing in all these equations: love. Perhaps it is a curse of my age, or maybe it is more sublimal/primordial thing, but I have never been able to remove the love factor from the sexual equation. I am not a prude, I enjoy sex, but I do not enjoy it as a purely physical activity. Maybe my mother messed with my mind as a teenager (only "bad" girls "have sex", good girls get married first), or who the hell knows, but my libido has always been entertwined with my emotions. Gotten me into more trouble than I can recount here. I would have been a lot better off in my youth being able to let off sexual energy without encumbering myself with an unspoken rule of love comes first.

My advice to MY daughters, I hope, was different: "your sexuality belongs to you and you only. I cannot make the decision for you in terms of when you are ready for such a big adult step." I made sure they were educated about birth control, and std's, and tried in earnest to create an open relationship with them where nothing was too taboo to discuss.

[ellie]

I'm with Pattie on this one. My vagina is connected to my heart. I've never been a "recreational sex" kind of gal except on those occasions when I was drunk, which says a lot about how alcohol separates us from our bodies/hearts.

However, I agree that something is messed up with guys getting all the blue pills when women are usually the ones with tired libidos as we get older.

[nina]

Ladies, I hope you haven't concluded that sex for me is not intimately conncected to my emotions. Read back through my pre-Typepad archives (conveniently linked for you on my sidebar) and you will see many occasions where I mention how the best sex comes from being in love, which I very much was during all of those early months on Blogger. Here, I was writing about my sexuality as I get older, and how it is better for many reasons. It's *always* better with love. (Though I certainly have no problem with the idea of recreational sex.)

[Norma]

What has confused me about the advertising for "male-enhancing" prescriptions is this......when the commercials came out for the "viagra" drug, all the men in the commercials looked like men who couldnt get laid with a fist full of $50's. When the commercial came out for "Cialis", the men looked like individuals who really didnt "need" to be on it. In general, I think the "male enhancing" drugs are well over-rated and are frequently abused for the purpose they are intended. These drugs were relatively meant to enhance performance for male individuals who were experiencing difficulty maintaining or getting an erection. They were not created to help "old men" keep the fire burning all day and all night long. Further, I understand that there are men out there as young as early 20's who are using these drugs. For what purpose? At this point in their young lives, their libidos are supposed to be in full force already, whatever their "short-comings". I believe that these drugs have the potential to cause more harm then good when used improperly, or abused. As far as my own sexuality goes, I turned 40 yrs old a couple of months ago and I have a difficult time giving sex and intimacy a second thought. Sadly, I've discovered through my own research that it has less to do with the physical desires as it does my emotional and psychological well-being. Being a single mother for 11 yrs, I'm at a point in my life where I need the emotional and physical balance to find intimacy desireable. The older I get, the more it seems impossible to find the same qualities in a man. And since I wont settle for one without the other (physical balancing emotional), it is very easy to forget about sex. Strangely, at times I do feel abnormal, but I know I'm smart enough and knowledgeable enough to know to expect my libido to decrease with age.