journeys of a restless mind

found a reason to miss Seattle again

Victrola ice cream

in between

You know, I really woulda thought that Stella would have got her groove back by now.  Stella being me, of course.  But, no.  No groove whatsoever.  There's been some glimpses of groove over the fence, some groove inklings coming in over the radio, some vague promise of groove in someone's eyes, but no real groove.  I'm not sure what to do about this groovless state.  I'm not resigned to it yet, no siree, I'm not, but it's downright difficult not to get discouraged.  It doesn't help that it is curently darkly cloudy, windy and only 46 degrees.  If it weren't for all the blooming flowers all over the damn place, you might think it was January.  How can one get one's groove on in such a situation?  As Karen might say, sheesh!

I have noted that there is one group of guys in this town that thinks I am hot stuff.  This is the over sixty set. Which is just ducky except that I am not prepared to date someone who is in the same decade of their life as my mother. Nor am I prepared to just shut it all down again.

Once again I find myself caught in that strange place of the in between. 

this can't be good

not-quite-Friday iPod random ten, with lyrics

Amy Winehouse ~ Wake Up Alone
"Got so sick of crying, so just lately when I catch myself, I do a 180."

Indigo Girls ~ Midnight Train to Georgia (live)
"But he sure found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true."

Frank Sinatra ~ Come Dance With Me
"What is dancing but making love set to music playing?"

Lipps Inc ~ Funky Town
"Gotta move on."

Lucinda Williams ~ Pineola
"Born and raised in Pineola, his mama believed in the Pentecost."

Joni Mitchell ~ Amelia
"I slept on the strange pillows of my wanderlust."

David Cook* ~ Billie Jean
"Mother always told me be careful who you love."

Bonnie Raitt ~ Angel From Montgomery
"How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, and come home in the evening and have nothing to say?"

Los Super Seven ~ Me Voy Pa'l Pueblo
"Quiero que sepas que no estoy dispuesto a interrarme en vida en un rincón."
(I want you to know that I'm not prepared to bury myself for life in a corner.)

Lucinda Williams ~ Reason to Cry
"It just breaks my heart that I can't get close to you."

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*mock me all you want, but if you saw him perform this on the show, you'll understand

Yesterday I was talking to a (locally) politically prominent person who was relating her experience working with some young women, and she started bashing on single mothers.  She has no idea that I am a single mom, and in fact, I'm sure my situation is a lot different from the women she was referring to, but still I was taken aback.  I wondered if I should interject that I am a single mom, remind her gently that single mom does not equal irresponsible, unprofessional, unable to cope with life.  I didn't say anything.  She was on a roll, and her point about single moms wasn't the main thrust of what she was talking about, so I let it go.

It's discouraging in the same way as watching everyone slamming on Hillary Clinton is discouraging: both in a general, and a very personal sense.  No wonder I feel more and more like just sailing away.  Which makes it sound like I can't cope.  Ha!  But I do cope. Every damn day. And now this is sounding like a major whine, which was not my point, but I have to get Hijo off to school, and get myself to work, and maybe I can let the energy of being pissed off overcome the discouragement.

I'm not trying to be absent.  In fact, I'm working very hard at trying to be present. Apparently, being present in my life means I might not show up as much here.  The observant among you will have noticed, however, that I have a new widget on my sidebar which publishes my tweets.*  This is one way to see what I'm up to, if you're so inclined.

Everything is fine, and nothing is exceptional.  I'm kinda bored, always lonely, just sorta hanging in there.  The weeds in my yard are threatening to rise up and cover the house.  I kind of like them, though.  Not sure the landlords feel the same way.

It's foggy today, which always soothes me.  I want to wander around in it, gather droplets of water on my hair. I want to stop wanting.

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*a "tweet" is what you post on twitter

I'm feeling very emotionally adolescent these days. Things are getting a bit out of control.  I am craving drama, sex, true love.  I project all of this onto images on the TV or computer.  My monkey mind is working overtime, inventing wild tales.

The year after I graduated from college I worked in a bank and lived the rest of the time inside my head. I was depressed.  My boyfriend had gone off to the University of Chicago, a brilliant future ahead of him.  I was working at a bank.  Unsure of everything.  Bored.  Lonely.  I made up stories and lived inside of them. It was a horrible time, and I escaped it by moving to Chicago, by wrenching myself from everything familiar and attaching myself to my boyfriend's life.

I later left that life and decided to make my own.  It's been a long slow journey.  I think I am getting close.  But I'm not quite there.  An adolescent.  I need to tap into that energy and keep it from being destructive; I need to channel it onto the page.