monday misc.

I killed another damn fish.  If I'm gonna be killing critters, I'd really prefer it be because I was gonna eat 'em.  I think our tap water is somehow overly noxious, and the standard "leave it out for a couple of days" that is normally recommended just isn't doing the trick.  I'm suprised that the kidlet or I haven't keeled over either, since we drink that stuff right out of the tap. 

I feel like I should post something upbeat since lately it seems all the dark stuff gets poured out here.  But the truth is, I'm still struggling.  I'm trying to change some fundamental things about myself, and it just ain't easy.  Even though there are some really exciting things happening now, my work life has become drudgery and my personal life is always complicated in one way or the other. 

I used to take comfort thinking that someday this or that would happen, and then my life would be so much better.  I'd fall in love, or find the perfect job, and then the rainbows and puppies would appear, and all would be transformed.  Letting go of this stuff is harder than I ever imagined.  Especially the falling in love part; I grew up on happily ever after, and I believed that shit.  But it's more than that, even.  It's that desire to be somehow different than what I am, that sense that there was someone better that I could become given the right circumstances.  Getting the perfect person to love me would be the final proof that I had been successful. 

A big hawk or maybe a young eagle just flew up and circled around Lake Union before heading East towards the Cascades.  The sound of a siren rises and falls as the reddish brown shape recedes into the clouds.

Comments

[M]

Janeen...even though you may not be feeling utterly wonderful, you are (utterly wonderful)...it's so good to hear someone who is honest and real..this is life and such is life..

[xath]

Don't feel the need to post sunny stuff for your loyal readers. YOur life is what it is. Sometimes it utterly sucks to be you....and some days i'm sure it feels like a pretty cool thing. It is what it is.